


The Bard's Guide To Keeping Your Witcher Happy

by jaskiersvalley (connorssock)



Series: Care & Feeding of Companions [1]
Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: How to guide, M/M, Witcher Insctruction Manual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-14
Updated: 2020-03-14
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:15:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23142298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/connorssock/pseuds/jaskiersvalley
Summary: Jaskier was asked to put together a 'Care & Feeding' guide for bards who wanted their own witcher. This was the result.
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion
Series: Care & Feeding of Companions [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1664674
Comments: 35
Kudos: 699





	The Bard's Guide To Keeping Your Witcher Happy

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Español available: [Guía del Bardo para mantener a tu brujo feliz (Traducción)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23519749) by [ElAticodeunGato](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElAticodeunGato/pseuds/ElAticodeunGato)



It started off as a joke, Jaskier compiling a list of stupid things that a bard would need in order to keep a Witcher like a pet. If only he hadn’t been a little drunk and jokingly showing the list to a friend in Oxenfurt. Because now he had a book deal and a headache to go with it. Still, it was going to be a hit, even if he said so himself. This was what he had put together so far:

 **Introduction**  
So, you want to get yourself a Witcher. Here are a few things to help in the taming and domestication of your companion. Once they are embedded in the routine of having someone by their side, they are wonderful partners in everything. The relationship between the Bard and Witcher is quite beautiful and deep, fulfilling needs of adventure, companionship, inspiration and safety.

 **Choosing Your Witcher**  
They can be quite tricky to catch, preferring their solitary “I don’t need anybody” kind of attitude. It’s just something that’s been drummed into them, don’t let it put you off. But, if a Witcher already has a Bard then it is very poor form to try and steal a Witcher ( _looking at you, Valdo Marx)_. Also, it’s a pointless endeavour, Witchers are terribly loyal and do not take kindly to having something they consider theirs being taken away from them. So choose carefully, it’s something you’ll only have once chance to do.

 **Bathing Your Witcher**  
This is a delicate operation. Because sometimes Witchers are resistant to cleaning up. Unless they’re covered head to toe in selkimore guts, they will happily keep on going, like a small cloud of vile, pungent violence. They take the attitude of “why bother when I will only end up like this again in a few days”. Do not allow this kind of reasoning to bother you. Your Witcher needs a good bath. So demand that you be treated right, to a room with a bath if coin will stretch that far. You may have to earn said coin and sneak it into your Witcher’s pouch so they feel they’re providing.

Anyway, once there is a bath, a Witcher (minus armour and clothes), make sure your Witcher actually gets in the tub. They may stare at it for a few minutes, let them. Just take their clothes to be cleaned while they have a stare off with the water. By the time you return, they should have gotten in. That’s the time to bust out the salts and oils. Once the scent is acceptable (remember to keep it soft, their noses are rather delicate), it is time to move behind the tub.

If your Witcher is the kind with hair, start by picking out the larger pieces of guts, leaves and twigs. You may need to soak the more stubborn pieces. Then move to cleaning products. Even if your Witcher doesn’t have hair, they will probably appreciate their neck and shoulders being rubbed. It’s just easier to hide such ministrations under the guise of washing hair.

Once your Witcher is accustomed to the idea of you touching their hair and shoulders, you can help work over their arms and chest. Chamomile is my personal favourite scent to use, especially when rubbing it into a lovely bottom.

 **Feeding Your Witcher**  
In public, they are quite polite company, if a little quiet. But they show restraint and eat like anyone else. But always have a stash of food sent up to the room, fill your packs with snacks. Being a Witcher is a lot of hard work, they like to eat even if they can go longer without food than a human. A hungry Witcher is a sad Witcher. They make adorable noises when presented with their favourite snacks - try jerky, fresh fruits and, if in a village, raid their bakery with all the coin you can spare. Fresh, warm pastry is a Witcher’s weakness.

 **Defending Your Witcher**  
Your Witcher’s worst enemy is themself. They generate their own doom and gloom reputations so changing that falls to you. Do it well and you’ll be rewarded - you’ll earn more coin and you’ll also have more options available if people aren’t running scared from a grubby Witcher in from a fresh kill.

Sometimes, you may have to do some work behind your Witcher’s back. They tend not to care about slander. But you need to keep an ear out for that. Don’t be scared to throw your lute down and tear someone a new one. People will give you a wide berth, especially if you’re well bonded with your Witcher. Anyone sees you playfully whacking a Witcher on the arm, stealing food from their plate, snagging their drink for a sip or even carefully wiping a bit of filth with a licked thumb, will decide you’re more dangerous than the Witcher. So be affectionate with you Witcher in public (and behind closed doors). They need you even if they resolutely deny it.

 **Final Note**  
Your Witcher is your responsibility. Don’t take one on lightly, they are for life, not just a few adventures and songs. As much work as they might initially seem, they are worth so much more. You’ll definitely enjoy platonic love with them but, if you’re both that way inclined, romantic love too.

I shall leave you with a few words from the other side. Wisdom from a Witcher who has a Bard by their side, and has done so for a long time. Geralt, over to you.

 **Witcher’s Warning**  
If you find yourself in the company of a feral bard, don’t panic. Just accept your fate, you have a bard to care for now. They will stick by you, no matter what. Congratulations, you’ve been adopted.

**Author's Note:**

> Regular stories and ficlets on tumblr - @jaskiersvalley


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